Hm, not the best week for me. Didn't feel top of the world and had a bunch of assignments due for uni, with Friday deadlines. So I missed Monday night's BJJ as well as Thursday open mat.
I did go on Wednesday. I felt slow and clumsy. We did a long complicated drill involving a lot of rubber guard stuff. At least my brain worked, and I managed to not only remember but also carry out the sequence. But when it came to some wrestling, I just went straight back to defend mode, because I couldn't do anything. I actually nearly gassed for the first time in ages. Not good. I totally deserved the armbar I was caught in by one of the purple belts. Should've seen it coming a mile away, but was too disorganised and tired to defend it. I guess a couple of good things happened. I didn't just defend, I reversed positions a few times, I got out of one armbar (but shouldn't have been there in the first place!!) and I managed to pass a blue belt's open guard which usually gives me endless troubles. So not all bad, but I was pretty down and only saw the bad bits, as I grumbled and bitched on the drive home...
On Friday, we worked on another longer sequence. From guard pass to short base side control on his right side. As he turns into me, I get an underhook on his left arm with my right, cupping his shoulder. I pull up and get posture as I post my left hand on the floor behind his head. Then I step over his head with my left foot and place it behind his back. Next I sit down. If he give me his arm, ok - armbar.
But let's say he defends by clasping his hands together. I want my right foot over his head and my right hand (still holding his left arm) on my left hip. Next job is to get my left leg over his middle. For this, I might need to lean to my right. Once that left leg is across his belly, I need to get closer to his left leg, as I will probably be more angled towards his head a this point. I can use my left arm to post on to get my butt closer to his legs. I can even take the right leg off his head and post on it, because as soon as I get hold of his left leg with my left hand, he cannot shake me off. If he tries to sit up, all I need to do is push down with my left leg against his upper ribs. That also has the effect of stretching his arms apart as far as possible, even if it does not break his grip (which might well happen). Now I have time to sit up again and get my right leg back over his head. I can change my left grip from holding the bottom of his left thigh to the top of his right thigh, swapping and changing if he bucks. I can spiderweb him and use any of the methods I know to break apart his arms.
For the drill, we then let go of the arm, let him roll back into our guard and started again.
We also looked at an armbar from mount. Similar to the armbar where we go to S mount first, it involved a slow transition with no space. I think I like it better than the standard spinning armbar from mount (which I suck at).
So that was all good stuff. Then we did some wrestling. And man, what a poor performance! That wasn't so bad in itself, everyone knows that sometimes you are the nail, sometimes the hammer. Against a guy about my level, I was trashed. He is very tight. I was pissed to begin with because I copped a forearm to the face, but I don't blame him. Served me right for giving up my back. I was just being useless, and I could feel my blood rising.
I was hammered the whole evening, including by a guy who has only been coming a couple of months. Yes, he's heavier than I am (try 50% more..). Yes, he is stronger, he has a karate background so his extra weight is muscles, not flab, and he has good base and knows how to use structure, too. But hey. I couln't even move. I felt such a damn failure. Ok, I did get out once, by getting out the back door and I clawed my way to side control. Of course that didn't last long before I was mat pizza again. Idiotic me had shown him the high mount recently, and that's what I got, and from there I struggled. Didn't have the energy to bridge enough to roll him. And he's wise to the knee elbow escape, slamming my sholder back to the floor. No, he got nothing. He was getting very tired, too. But what's the point of a roll if I end up pinned and just serve as a cushion for him to rest on?
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't mad with him. He did what newbies do. Push, shove, muscle to "win". I was mad with myself for the poor showing. And due to my fragile "state", the anger and disappointment got the better of me and I sort of dissolved. And when I have a sense of humour failure like that, I get more mad again for being such a girl. I mean: what the hell??? What a wet rag am I?? Luckily it was the end of class. I honestly don't know how the last roll finished. I just avoided crying in front of him.
There was open mat after. Basically, I just wanted to get out and hide. But I thought NO, I'm not running away from this, bloody grow up. A couple of others had to go, leaving only two guys rolling. So I watched, as they started to discuss some technical stuff. Not long after, one of them also had to go and it was just one of the blue belts left.
Dickhead me couldn't hide my disappointment, but I said to him not to worry and sorry to be a wet rag. So we had a bit of a discussion about things, including how it's normal to have times you go home after training elated and times you go home all pissed off. We also discussed how I might be better off giving a miss to rolls that serve no purpose, like just getting muscled around. He mentioned how he also used to struggle as lighter guy against some of the heavies in the school. He gave me some ideas for other escape options and we agreed to spend some time in open mat sessions on flow rolls. So that I get a bit of a chance to develop a top game. Thank you, thank you. I know I overreacted and I was being pathetic, and I was so embarrassed to put that on him. But his little pep talk put me back on track.
The silly part of it is that usually, I don't give a toss about being outweighed and outmuscled. I laugh it off and I dole out as much grief as I can ;-) . And I don't mind going hard, hell, if I did, I wouldn't go to competitions... I guess I just had a chink in my emotional armour. I'll get over it.