My training is going ok. I've had lots of awesome sessions. And I've had a few where I feel like handing my blue belt back over... Yes, yes, I kow that's a common enough thing.
I had a chat about it all with Sensei the other day. It was a talk about expectations, dealing with frustration, being too hard on oneself and learning ways to put negative thoughts aside in favour of positive thoughts.
I suppose that part of the problem is my general work/uni workload at the moment. I just feel a bit worn out. I've been cutting back a touch on my training. Believe it or not, sitting in front of a computer or in a lecture theatre all day, can be physically as well as mentally draining. Some nights, I just want to get home. Oh, and there is such a lot of assignment work due that I really can't be training every night (as I would like to) anyway. So, I suppose my overall stress levels are affecting my rolling :-(
Certainly though, rolling is stil the best way to get balance back into my life. Without BJJ, I'd go insane!
I think I just need to get it into my thick skull that there are NO pressures to perform "well" (whatever that is) on the mat. It can be my recreation, my stress release, my pure enjoyment. So why do I have such problems to just let go and enjoy? Why do I have to keep on stressing myself by expecting to be "good" or "better" (whatever level that might be..)? I got to the point where I felt embarrassed when they guys said (jokingly or seriously) that they are respect my grappling skills. I need to just be happy about that. And I need to accept without argument when a higher belt tells me I did something well.
I need to go back to just rolling for fun and tap to every damn white belt who sets foot on the mat. Really.
I hope that I've finally figured it, and the talk the other day did help in that respect. And hopefully, I'll get over the blues. I need not feel weighed down by my blue belt, it wasn't given to me to beat myself up with it.
But all is not lost, I had a couple of terrific rolls, too. Including some with Sensei (first one in ages). Sure I had to tap, but I made him work a bit. And as he said after: he got the white belts with his newer techniques. To get me, he had to resort to his old bread and butter stuff. And I sure don't feel bad about getting tapped by a brown belt with his "good" techniques.
Still, the week did bite me in the butt in the end. During a pretty laid back roll on Saturday, I tweaked my right knee. It suddenly said "clonk!" quite loudly. My partner stopped, I stopped, we looked at each other and then disentangled. I carefully moved it but it felt ok and was fine for the rest of the roll. I was slightly puffy and stiff the following day. I used the usual ice/iboprofen/rest/horse liniment strategy over the weekend. I can report that it feels pretty good now. Gave training a miss last night and tonight, just to be on the safe side, but I think I can go and roll tomorrow. Maybe I'll stick on a knee brace. At least that will remind me to be careful with it...